I was what you might call “ broken” in a way.

“Empty,” “searching,” “plagued by doubts,” and I would never have said they were wrong.

You have to understand me... The birth of my studio and now my new life was a leap into the unknown; a “leap” in a way, to avoid saying too much.

A leap towards what has made me successful. Towards what has made me successful in what I have wanted to do since I was 11 years old: to live by creating. In every genre. In every type. In every purpose, as long as it speaks to me.

A beautiful way to be satisfied, isn't it?

Yes.
Yes, two years ago.
Yes, a year ago.
Yes, a few months ago.

No, a few weeks ago.

No. That satisfaction almost broke me. Emptied me. Made me prey to doubts. And in no way do I mean to say that they were wrong.

Ten years. Ten years was the time between my discovery of Photoshop and today. Ten years that I smiled foolishly when I created. Ten years that I experimented fervently. Ten years that I tested and iterated. Ten years that I did it with a smile.

The smile of always going further. Faster. Deeper. Of being more alert. Insightful.

And for a while... I smiled because I was satisfied with where I was. Satisfied to have people to collaborate with; what others would call clients. Satisfied to have projects that spoke to me, where I could leave my mark every day.

But satisfied to no longer go further. To no longer need to go further.

There is a quote that today, and I think for a very long time to come, will remain in my mind.

“Prudery is a kind of avarice, the worst of all.”

From Stendhal / De l'Amour

And, it may be surprising, but in this quote I had a different interpretation than what it meant.

Where Stendhal gives me the impression that he is looking for the term “ingratitude in gratitude” somewhere in his quote, for me it had a whole other dimension that was all the more personal to me.

I understood it as if it were:

“Being prudent is a kind of avarice. The worst kind.”

I saw myself. Feeling sorry for myself in what I had. Being satisfied and telling myself “that's enough for me,” “I have nothing to complain about.” To the point where I clung to what I had. Too much.

To the point where I deprived myself of going further. I refused to go faster. I was stingy with my situation. Little by little, I ended up alive, but without presence.

And now that I see that, do I want to be cautious at my young age? To be stingy without any real riches?

Of course not. At my age, it's time to experiment more than ever before. It's time for speed, more than what is required. It's time for depth, even more than what we experience.

The demand is for harmony. The demand is for awareness in what we see. The demand is for self-confidence, in the same way that confidence is given to others.

My vision must be one color. Indigo. One tranquility, one mystery. One consciousness, one living being. One connection, one empathy.

My life has known brokenness. But today, it has a double meaning. I saw it as destruction. Today, I see it as transcendence.

Thank you to art for helping me understand this lesson.